Author: Matt
Next In Line Please
While I’m alone at the front desk, two patrons approach me- one from the front, the other from the right. There’s a plainly…
Libraries Aren’t Quiet
Out in the main lobby, there’s like 300 of schoolkids making a ruckus as the Philly Phanatic steps out for a surprise appearance…
Gentrification
I live on an all-black block. This carries with it some social issues that are sometimes funny, but usually depressing. Neighbor’s Sibling: So……
Sticky
Me, behind the dropbox: Oh god. Oh, my god. Oh these DVDs are all… sticky… Me, spraying the plastic covers with sanitizer: Why….
Continuity
Friend From Yesterday: Heyyyyy Matttttt Me: Yo Friend From Yesterday: Guess what I watched a couple episodes of last night Me: I guess……
Melodrama!
Me: Hi! How ya doin today? Melodramatic Patron: …ashamed… Me: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE Melodramatic Patron, sniffling: I’m… I’m late. Me: sigh Melodramatic…
Am I Famous Yet?
Back in April I was minding my own business, getting a sammich from the lunch truck right by the library. Rando comes up…
Personal Responsibility
Patron: Hey, so, I didn’t get the reminder email that this was due. Me: Yeah, we did some computer updates a few weeks…
Extremely Gay
Me: There was a very big very gay wedding this week on Steven Universe and YOU MISSED IT BECAUSE YOU DIDN’T TAKE MY…
There’s No Fine Because I Say So
Patron: My books are overdue! Me: All right, well, let’s take care of that then. Patron: I refuse these fines. Me: 😐 Patron:…
Cookie Dough
Me: So, let me get this straight. You. Lexi: Me Me: Will not eat this raw cookie dough Lexi: Correct Me: Even though…
Jeeves
Old Patron: Ahh, here’s the concert section. The birth of rock ‘n roll! When you get to be an old pensioner like me,…
Shorty Squad
Jilly: SHORTY SQUAD!! Me: I wanna join the shorty squad Jilly: welL YOU CANT YOU ARE TOO TALL Me: Listen I don’t think…
Dip
So, a couple weeks ago I told a tall tale about my experience calling a shelter to get a kitty spayed. That kitty…
On Notice
Back when I was feeding Dip regularly, she would often try to get into my house. Given that she almost certainly had fleas,…
Kitchen Savior
For a couple weeks Dip was my roommate. This is more of how that went. CRASH Me: What was that sound I go…
It’s CARPET
For a couple weeks Dip was my roommate. This is kinda how that went. Me, happily snoozing at 3am: Mmmm… smells like fish……
Belly rubs pls
Guest written by Jilly Laying supine, head to head with a very pregnant Dip, meowing dippiliy away for my attention while we wait…
I gotta pee
December 2017 Dip: Yo let me out. Haha. Get it? Let meow-t. Cuz I’m a cat Me: Come on dude I’m watching a…
Dot!
Me, bummed: Hey Neighbor. Neighbor: Hey Matt Me: Thanks for making sure to tell me about Dip. Neighbor: Awww man, that was sad…
Be Nice to the New Patron
Older, Out of Town Patron: …I tried calling in but nobody could answer my questions. Me: What do you want to know? Older,…
Piercings Don’t Hurt
Jilly: Ow! Watch the new piercing! Me, in dumb voice: Ohhhh no, piercings don’t hurt! It’s soft tissue! Mlah mlah minahhh Jilly: SHUT…
Long Address
Me: Whew! That is quite an address you have there, my friend. Indian Patron: Yes, it is quite long. Me: Is that common…
The Bills
Coworker: Don’t you just love paying the bills? Me: I just spend nearly an entire paycheck on my new bathroom floor. Coworker: You…
Today At The Library is not accepting submissions.
Me: So I got this blog, right Coworker: Yeah Me: And I tell funny library stories Coworker: Got it Me: I think I’m…
Sandwich Adventure
Lexi: …if Donald Trump and Justin Trudeau were both drowning and you could only save one of them, where would you take Trudeau…
Why would you carry incense in your mouth?
Me: Hello Patron with Incense in Mouth: Me: Hi Patron with Incense in Mouth: Me: How’s it going? Patron with Incense in Mouth:…
Wikipedia
Today’s Internet Rabbit Hole: Reddit, discussing Civilization VI Civ VI page on Mount Everest as a gameplay element [+1 faith and +2…
Toys R Us Closing Sale
Me: …so, with everything on such steep discount, I thought real hard about buying that pack of 250 Nerf darts- Jilly: Why would…
Too Many Books
Patron With 20 Books: Hello Me: That’s quite a reading list you got there. PW20B: I have to get them all from different…
Not That Matt
Librarian: Hey Matt! Patron wants to talk to you Patron I’ve Never Met Before: Hi!!! Thank you SO MUCH Me: You’re… welcome PINMB…
The Shelter
Me, on the phone: Hi, I’d like to ask about your trap-neuter-release program. Shelter: ok Me: Shelter: Me: Shelter: Me: Sooooo there’s this…
Did I Do That?
Mushmouth Patron walks up to the desk, throws their backpack onto it, and knocks a bunch of heavy stuff off the desk and…
Just Give Me the Card
Me: Do you have your library card? Patron: …and I’ve got some returns, some renewals Me: Great. Your card? Patron: Ah… this one….
Ew ew ew ew
Mumbly Patron: Heyifyouhavepairofscissorscanyouopenthismaybe? Mumbly Patron hands me a new pair of earbuds. Me: Haha what’s this giant dent with the black spots? What…
Jimmy Fallon
Patron: Y’all know how to get Jimmy Fallon’s address and phone number? Me: Uhhhh Me: No? Patron: Aww. Damn. I could definitely be…
New Policy
If you’re going to hover can you at least pay attention to what you’re hovering over