Me: Oh hey Acquaintance, what’s up dawg?
Acquaintance: I’m off to north Philly.
Acquaintance: Then I’m off to norther Philly.
Acquaintance: And I’m gonna talk about boobs.
Me: Man oh man I sure like those! Why are you talking about boobs? Besides the fact that they’re great
Acquaintance: Breastfeeding consultant!
Me: Like, you need one or you are one?
Acquaintance: I am one.
Me: Nice! A couple years ago, and I was visiting a friend in the hospital right after she had a baby, and this nurse comes in-
Acquaintance: Lactation specialist.
Me: YES! And she was talking all about like posture and stuff and I started texting my girlfriend at the time like “THIS IS SO COOL” and my girlfriend, who was a biologist, was all-
Acquaintance: She was all “it’s just natural, you should just do it”
Me: EXACTLY! She didn’t understand-
Acquaintance: See, here’s the thing: People got dumb.
Me: I– wait, what?
Acquaintance: People used to just know this stuff. Waaaay back when natural was natural.
Me: No. No no. No.
Acquaintance: Yeah! And then-
Me: Are you familiar with infant mortality rates back before we developed medical science and sanitation?
Acquaintance: Yeah, no, well, see, over time people got dumb. before that-
Me: No. See, most babies used to die. Like, almost all of them. Humans are better off today than ever in history.
Acquaintance: That’s not even possible! Obviously most babies lived because we’re still here, it’s just that people got dumb over time.
Me: That is not how math works.
Acquaintance: Yes it is!
Me: If a prehistoric woman gives birth to 10 babies, and 3 survive, you have a net population growth.
Acquaintance: Yeah
Me: And 7 dead babies.
Acquaintance: Well.
Acquaintance: Uh
Acquaintance: Well it was still natural back then!
Me: You know what else is natural? Lead. And tigers.
Acquaintance:
Acquaintance:
Acquaintance: People got dumb.
Me, internally: Speak for yourself.