Category: Matt’s Tall Tales
True-ish!
Gentrification
I live on an all-black block. This carries with it some social issues that are sometimes funny, but usually depressing. Neighbor’s Sibling: So……
Continuity
Friend From Yesterday: Heyyyyy Matttttt Me: Yo Friend From Yesterday: Guess what I watched a couple episodes of last night Me: I guess……
Am I Famous Yet?
Back in April I was minding my own business, getting a sammich from the lunch truck right by the library. Rando comes up…
Extremely Gay
Me: There was a very big very gay wedding this week on Steven Universe and YOU MISSED IT BECAUSE YOU DIDN’T TAKE MY…
Cookie Dough
Me: So, let me get this straight. You. Lexi: Me Me: Will not eat this raw cookie dough Lexi: Correct Me: Even though…
Shorty Squad
Jilly: SHORTY SQUAD!! Me: I wanna join the shorty squad Jilly: welL YOU CANT YOU ARE TOO TALL Me: Listen I don’t think…
Dip
So, a couple weeks ago I told a tall tale about my experience calling a shelter to get a kitty spayed. That kitty…
On Notice
Back when I was feeding Dip regularly, she would often try to get into my house. Given that she almost certainly had fleas,…
Kitchen Savior
For a couple weeks Dip was my roommate. This is more of how that went. CRASH Me: What was that sound I go…
It’s CARPET
For a couple weeks Dip was my roommate. This is kinda how that went. Me, happily snoozing at 3am: Mmmm… smells like fish……
Belly rubs pls
Guest written by Jilly Laying supine, head to head with a very pregnant Dip, meowing dippiliy away for my attention while we wait…
I gotta pee
December 2017 Dip: Yo let me out. Haha. Get it? Let meow-t. Cuz I’m a cat Me: Come on dude I’m watching a…
Dot!
Me, bummed: Hey Neighbor. Neighbor: Hey Matt Me: Thanks for making sure to tell me about Dip. Neighbor: Awww man, that was sad…
Piercings Don’t Hurt
Jilly: Ow! Watch the new piercing! Me, in dumb voice: Ohhhh no, piercings don’t hurt! It’s soft tissue! Mlah mlah minahhh Jilly: SHUT…
The Bills
Coworker: Don’t you just love paying the bills? Me: I just spend nearly an entire paycheck on my new bathroom floor. Coworker: You…
Sandwich Adventure
Lexi: …if Donald Trump and Justin Trudeau were both drowning and you could only save one of them, where would you take Trudeau…
Wikipedia
Today’s Internet Rabbit Hole: Reddit, discussing Civilization VI Civ VI page on Mount Everest as a gameplay element [+1 faith and +2…
Toys R Us Closing Sale
Me: …so, with everything on such steep discount, I thought real hard about buying that pack of 250 Nerf darts- Jilly: Why would…
The Shelter
Me, on the phone: Hi, I’d like to ask about your trap-neuter-release program. Shelter: ok Me: Shelter: Me: Shelter: Me: Sooooo there’s this…
This Is Starfleet
Jilly: You know the story of the interracial kiss in Star Trek? Me: Yeah, the FCC only allowed it because Kirk was under…
Steven Universe
Me, introducing a friend to Steven Universe*: I promise from the very bitty bottom of my heart it’s good. Victim: This is really…
Fuck that cat.
#MattsTallTales Me: Yo, it was the weirdest thing. When I took my bike off the rack, the rear tire was flat. Friend: That…
It Looks Like Nebraska.
Cait: What is that on your arm? Is that a birth mark? Me: Yes Cait: Has that always been there? Did I just…
CAUTION: FRAGILE
So there I was, out on my block hanging out with my neighbors on Independence Day. At the nearby intersection, a car has…
Manners!
Entitled Patron comes up, hands me their card and, like, 15 books. Me: OOoooweee. That’s quite a reading list you got there. Entitled…
