Me: …and do you have proof of address?
Young Patron: Aww no, I’ll have to come back.
Me: Wait! That could be a lease or a bill on your phone!
Young Patron: I do have that! Thanks, that’s really clutch.
Me:
Me:
Me: Clutch.
Me: Oh god.
Me: It’s happening.
Me: I’m OLD
Young Patron: What?
Me: Am I old? When did this happen? I’m not even 30! WHAT IS CLUTCH?
Young Patron: Listen, man, it’s like, ages is just a number, man.
Me: But it’s a number that matters! Your age determines your peer group! How you are socialized! Which historical events shaped your upbringing!
Young Patron: But that’s, like, all in your head
Me: No, it’s not! The reason the baby boomers are so entitled is because they were raised in the strongest economy in the richest country on the planet! I can’t identify with that! I can’t relate to that! Baby boomers are a mystery to me…
Me: …as I am a mystery to you, the new generation. My replacement.
Young Patron: I’m 26.
Me: Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil…