Patron: Wow, what do you run on?
Me: Eh?
Patron: Like, what are you running on.
Me: If we’re judging by how glued to my phone I am, I’d say probably Android.
Patron: No, I mean, what’s in that mug?
Me: Earl Grey.
Patron: Whoooooooa that’s what I had this morning! Why don’t I have energy like you?
Me: Probably because you’re relying on tea to give it to you
Patron: It’s like, your energy is radiating, I can feel it in my face!
Me: That’s a weird thing to say
Patron: What’s your name?
Me: Matt.
Patron: Whoooooooa that’s my son’s name! And my grandfather’s name!
Me: and one of the most popular names in the US
Patron: Anyway here’s pictures of my kids…
Me: kill me
Patron: They’re amazing. I had them reading by age 1!
Me: How did you manage that?
Patron: It was all my father. He’s black, and he had a lot of fears and misgivings about me, so he insisted that “you’re gonna be literate! You won’t be another statistic!” so he made me learn to read really really young. And I got my kids reading even younger!
Me: I’m not entirely convinced any kids are reading by 1.
Patron: I had them all potty trained too! Before their first birthday.
Me: Now I’m definitely not convinced
Patron: But my mother? Irish-American, illiterate as FUCK.
Me: Maybe don’t scream obscenities in a public library?
Patron: I don’t know how those two ever got on. They drive me nuts!
Me: Is this interaction over yet?
Patron: I want to live in Ireland. I get along with the Irish
Me: oh boy
Patron: They are my people! I’m teaching my kids Gaelic now. Did I mention they were fluent in German, English, and Spanish by age 2?
Me: If you did I wasn’t listening
Patron: I don’t like my name, so I want to go to Ireland and be a Lady.
Me: I feel like you can do that anywhere
Patron: See, I am not a virgin
Me: Did not ask
Patron: But I’ve never been married, so I can still be a Lady in waiting. If I go to the land of my people.
Me: Please do that.
Me: Right now
Patron: Just, wow, your energy… I’m gonna go get some Earl Grey!