Problem Patron: Now you listen to me, someone stole my identity!
Me: Oh hey. Haven’t seen you in a while.
Problem Patron: And I’m gonna use this library card to get online and complain to everyone that whoever did it has the right to remain silent!
Me, Coworker: pfft
Problem Patron: Anything they say has the right to remain silent. Anyone who does a crime using my name is a criminal!
Me: That is what “criminal” means.
Problem Patron, checking out some novels about revenge: Here’s my books so I can learn.
Problem Patron: I’m gonna find them. Why you follow me like I am a criminal? Why you chase me with a gun?
Me: I definitely didn’t.
Problem Patron: Someone stole my identity and made me look like I am the criminal! I am not a criminal! I will find them and they will go to the court of law! Anything they say can and will be used against them! Right? Am I right? You tell me if I’m right.
[This goes on for some time]
Me: Have a nice day, see you next week probably.
Problem Patron: And you’re closed tomorrow right? It’s Easter. You know that it’s Easter, right?
Me, wearing that Jesus on a Raptor shirt: Yeah, I think heard something about that.
Problem Patron: Jesus is back! Am I right? Am I right or am I wrong?
Problem Patron leaves.
Coworker: MAN DID YOU HEAR THAT PATRON? Talkin about Miranda rights or some shit?
Me: I’m writing it down as we speak.
Coworker: Of course you are you gossipy bitch.