Me: Welp. I don’t want to do this, but the doctor says it’s time to put a camera up my butt and there’s little point in resisting.
Me: It’s laxative time.
Off I go to the drug store to get all kinds of drugs.
Me: Let’s see here. The doctors want me to buy a whole container of MiraLAX brand… oh jeez. Fuck that price. We’ll get the generic, thank you.
Me: Hm hm hm. And they want me to buy Gatorade specifically. Has to be Gatorade. In a 32oz bottle.
Drug Store: We don’t sell Gatorade in that size. But we do have Powerade!
Me: Google, will I die in the OR if I do that?
Google: You should be fine. Probably.
Me: Okay, and… oh shit. I have to get laxative pills too. Let’s see. 4 Dulcolax tablets. Hm hm hm. Aha! A box of 4 Dulcolax tablets. It’s nice when the market reflects the needs of the consumer. Colonoscopies are very common proced…
Me: Uhhh, excuse me?
Me: Comfort shaped?
Me: Is this?
Me: Oh god
Me: Oh fuck
Me: No no no no no I don’t wanna do that
Me: Oh dear god sweet Jesus no
Box of Pills: contains 4 suppository tablets
Me: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Me: I didn’t sign up for this!
Me, consulting the orders from the doctors: Uh uh uh uh uh
Directions: 4 Dulcolax tablets, 5mg each.
Box of Pills: These aren’t 5mg, kid. You should consider reading the directions before you panic.
Different Box of Pills: I’m what you actually want and I’m not a suppository.
Me: No you’re not. I’m getting the generic brand because you’re expensive as shit.
Me: Haha get it? Expensive as shit? Cuz you’re gonna make me
The Entire Digestive Care Aisle: We get it.