It’s D&D time, and I am playing as a sorcerer named Oxnard Montalvo who:
- Doesn’t know he’s a sorcerer
- Lies about everything all the time
- Travels from town to town making up stories about how awesome he is, tricking folks into giving him free room & board
- Has never been in a fight
I’ve never written out the events of a D&D campaign before, so I apologize in advance if none of this makes sense. If it makes you feel any better, none of it made any sense to me in person either.
Kristen– Doctor, Dungeon Master, and unfortunate relative of Tall John: Okay, El, and you walk into the Governor’s office and you see the governor speaking with a man in a hood.
Me: Oh! It’s me! I’m the one in the hood.
Me: Mysterious
Me: And bold
Tall John: Okay
Kristen, in a shitty accent: El! You’re here!
Tall John, in a shitty accent: Yes
Kristen: I’m glad you both are here. My town guards are busy handling an issue. I have a task I believe would be well-suited to your talents. We’ve received reports of strange happenings in the ruins outside of town. Dead bodies, ghosts, and the like.
Me, pointing at Tall John: Well, I have an eye for talent, and let me tell you, you found the right person for the job in this one!
Kristen: …yes. The two of you
Me: Wait, actually, my, war wounds are… bone-spurring.
Kristen: shall venture out to the ruins and investigate.
Tall John: Who is this?
Me: I
Me: am OXNARD MONTALVO
Me: MASTER OF THE ARCANE
Me: TRANSMUTER OF THE MUNDANE
Me: ahem
Me: But my adventuring days are behind me, for I am old and weary.
Kristen: You’re going or you can’t stay here.
Me: God dammit okay
Tall John: Where are the ruins?
Kristen: What, do you think I have all day to talk?
Tall John: Yes
Kristen: Go talk to some townsfolk
Me: Worst quest-giver ever.
Kristen: Did you say that in character?
Me: …no?
So anyway, before we can go embark on our quest, the locals direct us to go find “the storyteller” who lives… not in the ruins we’re investigating, but in those other ruins in the opposite direction. And then I get accosted by two bushes. I try to walk away, but these bushes want to fight.
Me: I, uh… I tangle with the bush, and accidentally cast sleep.
Kristen: Your sleep spell is successful… and you put one bush… and El to sleep.
Tall John: What.
I then spend the next 45 minutes punching a bush in the face while everyone else at the table looks at me like an idiot. Then Tall John wakes up.
Tall John: El starts speaking in weird Eldritch tongue and the bush explodes.
Me: Yeah! Don’t fuck with me, bush! I’ll fuck up your hole day!
Kristen: There’s a ghost floating around you, Oxnard Montalvo.
Me: Yeah yeah yeah. I’m sure it’s very scary but there’s another bush
Sean, the other member of our group: Do I get to play at some point or am I still just going to make up fake ghosts?
Tall John: I do the eldritch thing again and the other bush explodes.
Me: Look at me, doing all the heavy lifting.
Kristen: The bush thing was supposed to be over in 30 seconds. Now it’s midnight, so if we can just make it back to Sean’s character’s house, we can call it a night and go home.
Sean: Yes, adventurers… who can’t handle fighting a bush… come stay the night with me.
Kristen: It’s night in real life. It’s noon in-game.
Me: Jesus Christ
Sean: Whatever, just don’t wake up that one tree over there?
Me: WHY NOT?!
The tree comes to life. I cast sleep on the tree. The tree does not fall asleep, but Tall John’s character El does.
Tall John: Are you fucking kidding me
Then the tree knocks me out. Then Sean whispers something at the tree. The tree walks away, as trees do, and Sean wakes me up.
Me: And that’s the story of how I saved you all from the walking tree!
Everyone: oh god
Anyway, I think I’m bringing my camera next time.