SO THERE I WAS
MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS
Hanging out by the Rocky statue, playing a little Pokemon GO, there’s a man greeting tourists and taking their photos with the statue. He’s wearing a black shirt that says, “EVENT STAFF” on the back, and on the front, it has the Phillies logo. Around his neck dangles one of the annoying duck-quack-whistle-things that the Ride the Ducks. It’s a little yellow whistle-like thing ,shaped like a duckbill, that makes a quack sound when you blow in it. He kept using it to play the Rocky theme. It was really fucking annoying.
Once all the tourists are gone, he starts ranting at himself.
Him: I don’t ask people for NOTHIN.
Him: It’s not my fault people like me!
Him: I make $70,000 a year standin right here takin pictures, and you wanna know why I live in North Philly? Because my rent is AFFORDABLE.
Him: I don’t work here! I never told anybody I work here!M
Me:
And the minute tourists get closer, he quiets down.
Him: Hey folks! How y’all doin tonight?
I’m still standing there, and once the tourists leave he approaches me.
Him: Hey, man! How’s the play-list?
Me: Why did you say playlist like that? Also what?
Him: Haha, you’re lookin at your phone there. I thought you was looking at your play-list.
Me: No.
Him: Look, I don’t work here.
Me: Fucking Christ
Him: I never told anybody I work here.
Me: You’re wearing a shirt that says EVENT STAFF and holding a semi-iconic piece of Philly… quacking tourism.
Him: Now, the lady comes by here every day and says “You can’t be here!” and it is out of RESPECT that I leave. I could make a thousand dollars a day! But because of my RESPECT, I make about $120-$140.
Me: I seriously doubt those numbers
Him: I make $50,000 a year!
Me: I thought it was $70,000
Him: But this is public property! They can’t make me leave! I just RESPECT them!
Me: Pretty sure the Art Museum owns this piece of land
Him: Haha! I got too much RESPECT for my own good!
Me: I don’t think that word means what you think it means.
Some more tourists walk up.
Him: Peace, brother! Thanks for listening.
Me: Right.