So I was playing Left 4 Dead 2 the other day- that’s my go-to game when I can’t decide what I want to play/watch/do when I should actually be writing jokes- and I met a new player. They seemed competent, and I like to play on the higher difficulties, so I added them on Steam*. Usually, a Steam friend is someone who’s like “Hey wanna play” and you interact with them, like, once a month.
This person, on the other hand, had a lot they wanted to share with me. I wish I’d taken a screenshot of this conversation.
They hit me up in a private message. They really wanted to talk about how long they’ve had Steam-like it was a badge of honor. Their account is from, like 2003, which makes this person at least in their early-20s, probably closer to 30.
I don’t care.
They really, really wanted to talk about how many hours they logged in Left 4 Dead 2.
I don’t care.
They really needed me to be okay with the fact that they’re in some furry group.
Friend, I’m using you to shoot zombies in the face. I don’t need to hear about your fetishes.
No seriously, furry group! I’m a furry and you need to know that! That needs to be emphasized on a fucking zombie shooting game from 2009.
You are testing my patience, internet stranger, and I get yelled at by the public for a living.
And then they started asking me if I played Team Fortress 2.
No. I don’t. I tried it briefly like 10 years ago and why are we still talking?
It was at this point that this person finally got the message and left me alone. Until 11:30, when I got this:
We are no longer Steam Friends.
*Steam for the rare person who hasn’t encountered it yet