The Bag

Roommate: Matt, there was a bag on the front door. I brought it inside.

Me: What’s in it

Roommate: don’t know gotta go bye

Me, sighing: I gotta do everything around here… stupid home ownership… being a landlord… phooey

Me: What the everloving fuck

Me: Yo

Me: this a whole-ass turkey

Me: why is this a whole-ass turkey

Me: This must be for the neighbors.

Me: This was once a frozen turkey. But the outsides are moderately squishy with some ice crystals. This is no longer a frozen turkey.

Me: I can’t freeze this turkey. I need to find the rightful owner of a whole-ass turkey.

Me: Maybe there’s a note or something on this whole-ass turkey.

Me: Huh.

Me: Sharif Street? But… he won the election weeks ago. If he was trying to buy my vote, he should have bribed me in October.

Roommate, several hours later: Yeah every doorknob on the block had one of those bags

Me: And you didn’t think to mention this?

Roommate: I did not.

Me: Well I guess we’re doing a traditional Thanksgiving dinner or whatever.

Me: Ugh, this turkey doesn’t have a giblets bag. I guess I’ll need to buy stock for the gravy.

Roommate: What else are we making?

Me: I said traditional. We’re obviously making turkey & waffles

Roommate: Hey I was carving the turkey and… was this plastic bag supposed to be baked inside it?

Me: fuck

Happy Saturday After Thanksgiving everyone!