Most of y’all know by now that I’m a bit of a pop culture buff. As such, I’m pretty hype for Disney’s Star Wars: Marvel’s Avengers : Iron Man 22: The Untitled, so I’ve gathered a bunch of friends to watch a Marvel movie a week, starting with Iron Man.
The guests- Roommate, Cait, and two of Cait’s friends are just arriving. Lexi is on her way.
Me: …okay, and Jilly made garlic bread, and we’ve still got some chips and snacks, and if we all get hungry we can order a pizza… oh! And I stole this clementine!
Cait: How, why, and where would you even steal a single clementine?
Jilly, holding out her hand: Gimme
I throw the clementine just a liiiiiiittle too hard. Directly at her face. It whizzes right past her right ear and falls behind the couch.
Roommate: Yo you need to find that before it starts smelling.
Me: Please, I’m a homeowner, I know the stakes.
I get on my hands and knees and the clementine is not to be found.
Me: It must be between the couch and the wall. Everyone get off the couch!
Cait, her friends, Jilly, and Roommate all get off the couch, and I pull it back from the wall. There is no clementine.
Me: I’m not crazy, right? I did throw a clementine, right? I’m not imagining this?
Jilly: It grazed me. It was real. It must be in the couch cushions.
For reference, my couch is massive. Here’s a photo:
I could barely fit the whole thing in the photo
So the room is in all sorts of disarray. Between all the cushions, we find:
- A 3d printed trumpet mouthpiece Jilly had lost months ago
- 7 Nerf darts from a nerf battle Tall John and I had had a month ago
- 5 pretzel sticks, arranged in an eerily perfect line
- Lint
- A baseball bat that Roommate forgot they had put there
- Exactly 0 clementines
Me: I think the house ate the clementine.
Cait: It’s the only way this makes sense.
Cait’s Friend, sitting on a different chair on the other side of the room: You mother fuckers, it’s right here.
The clementine had been on the floor right next to where I was standing when I first threw it.
All of us: What the actual fuck
Art by Jilly Schwab. ©JillyCorp 2018. A definitely real company.
Lexi, walking in the front door: Hey guys! Sorry I’m late. You weren’t waiting for me to start the movie, were you?
Me: Oh right we’re supposed to be watching Iron Man