Me, at home: I heard a mouse.
Jilly: I didn’t hear anything.
Me: Beauregard* heard a mouse.
Beau: Hey guys there’s a mouse on the counter.
Beau: But I’m not supposed to be on the counter.
Beau: Haha fuck you I’m a cat, I’m going on the counter.
Jilly: BEAU! GET DOWN FROM THERE
Beau: Ok but look at this
Beau has a mouse in his mouth and spits it out.
Beau: Cool, right?
Jilly: Oh. There is a mouse.
Me: Good kitty. Now kill it.
Mouse: Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck
Mouse runs away. Beau pounces on it and bites it again. Then spits it out.
Beau: Hahaha it’s okay lil bud I just wanna be your friend. Now run away and I’ll chase you.
Mouse: This motherfucker is gonna kill me
Mouse runs away. Beau swats it with his paw and then pins it down.
Beau: You’re my torture doll now.
Beau: Hahaha no but seriously. You good, fam. You can go home, I won’t chase you.
Mouse runs away. You already know what happens next.
Beau: I’m gonna show Roommate!
Me: NO
Me: ROOMMATE IS SLEEPING AND DOES NOT WANT A LIVE MOUSE
Beau: hahahaha come on I wanna show them
Jilly blocks the stairs. Beau runs past anyway. A couple minutes later he returns.
Beau: Stupid doors, stupid thumb-having humans
Beau spits out the mouse. Mouse runs under the entertainment center, which is too small for Beauregard to dive under.
Beau: …shit.
Me: You idiot.
Me: That was your rent payment!
I move the entertainment center so Beau can get behind it.
Beau: Imma get it, don’t you worry
Meanwhile, the mouse is on the other side of the room. It’s clearly injured and moving slowly, but it’s still too fast for me to catch it. So I grab the stupid cat and take him over to the mouse.
Beau: MOUSE! I GOTCHA
And the cycle begins anew.
Jilly: I’m starting to root for the mouse.
Me: Me too.
Mouse: Kill me…
Me: I won’t let this continue.
Jilly: My god its squeaks are so helpless.
So I grab my work gloves, wait for Beau to stun the mouse again, and take the mouse outside. Mouse sees I am not a cat and starts panicking.
Me: Sorry pal. These are the breaks.
Mouse: though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil.
Me: Oh god I can feel your little heartbeat.
Mouse: You don’t have to do this, man. We can work somethin out, right?
Me: I’m sorry, little one.
I will spare you the details, but Mouse is no longer among us.
Jilly: Did you do it?
Me, weeping: Yes.
Jilly:
null
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Me:
Beau: HEY
Beau: WHAT DID YOU DO WITH MY TOY
Beau: MRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWW
*Roommate’s cat, in case you didn’t figure that out.