I ordered a couple packages. This past summer, there was a string of package thefts from my porch and others on my block, so I sent it to the library.
USPS, the day of shipping: Your package will arrive Monday!
Monday: Scheduled delivery date
Me: Oh boy oh boy! It’s package day!
USPS: Your package has departed from our shipping facility in Philadelphia, PA!
Me: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
USPS, at like 10pm that day: Your package has arrived!
Me: Woooooooooooooo?
USPS: In Newark, NJ!
Me: What.
Tuesday
USPS: Your package is in transit!
Me: Great. Where is it?
USPS: In transit!
eBay Seller: Hey Matt! I don’t know why it’s in Newark. Please love me and give me that sweet sweet feedback. It’s not my fault
Me: Yeah yeah I know. USPS is dumb.
Skip all the way to Friday!
USPS: Your package will arrive today!
Me: It goddamn better. I took a cab into work today
USPS, at 1pm: Your package has arrived!
Me: Oh boy!
Library Mail Room Staff: We have not received any packages in the last few hours. USPS hasn’t been by today. Usually when they say that, it means it’s on the truck on its way here. I’ll keep an eye out for you.
Me: Thanks!
5:00
Me: There’s no package. Anywhere. In the library. And it’s time to go home. Let me putz around in the mail room for another half hour.
Me, a half-hour later: Motherputzer
Saturday
Jilly was driving around anyway, so she dropped me off at the library. I’ll hire a cab to go home. This was an expensive package, so it’ll be worth it.
Me: Hey Security Guard, do the mail people work weekends?
Security Guard: Nope
Me: Will you let me into the mail office to rifle through their belongings and see if my package is there?
Security Guard: Absolutely not.
Me: Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeze?
Security Guard: Ugh. Fine. Make it quick.
Me, rifling through the mail: This package is too small. This package is too big. This is letters and stuff.
Security Guard: How big is it?
Me: It can’t be that big. It’s none of these. Thanks for breaking your code of morality for me.
Security Guard: Go home, Matt.
Monday: It’s now a week late
Me, over text: Hey Coworker, is my package in?
Coworker: Nope
Me: Guess I’ll bike to work then
Coworker: Hey Matt, the mail people stopped by. They have some packages they can’t identify- maybe one of them is the one you can’t find?
Me: GREATOKAYTHANKYOUBYE
So I run to the mail room.
Me: Hi hello yes I want my box please
Mail Room Staff: So there are two packages here that had the labels ripped.
Me: It can’t be this one. It’s huge.
Me: Wait a second
Me: It is this one! It says “atron” on the ripped label!
Me: IT’S HERE!
Mail Room Staff: Great, now get out.
Me: MY BOX IS HEEEEEEEEEEEEERE
Me: Thank you so much for all your help.
Supervisor: Matt why do you have such a huge box?
Me: I will show you! Let’s open it and play!
Supervisor: You need to be on the front desk, helping patrons.
Me: Right. Let’s play later!
Supervisor: Let’s not.
Me: Wait a second. I biked today and this package is enormous. How am I supposed to get this home?
Jilly: I WILL SAVE THE DAY
And so, Jilly stopped by the ‘brary and took my bigass package home for me.