Yesterday, for my birthday, I ordered a nice dinner for myself, including a lamb salad! Even better, Tall John- you remember my “friend” Tall John. That fucker who stole my bike? Anyway, he came by with some berfday gifts and we went to a nearby park to enjoy a socially-distanced picnic.
Tall John, at the end of an hour-long rant: …and that’s why I’m mad at Peter Jackson and his handling of the Uruk-Hai.
Me: Ah, fuck. There’s a wasp. Fuck fuck fuck.
Me: Fuck, what do I do
Me: It wants the salad, John
Me: IT WANTS MY SALAD
Tall John: Just eat, you’re fine
Me: NO THIS IS AN EMERGENCY
Me: Wait! This is in a plastic takeout bin. If I just…
So I slowly close the lid and trap the wasp inside the salad. Problem solved!
Tall John: So, uh… are you just gonna eat something else?
Me: I will put this salad in the fridge! And in the cold, bugs get slow. And then I can safely remove the wasp. Wow that lil yellow fucker is PISSED
Me: Ew. There’s some flies in there, too.
Tall John: When I was little I would run around with scissors and cut wasps in half.
Me: but they’re so fast
Tall John: Nobody told me I couldn’t, so I didn’t know that’s a thing you can’t physically do. So I did it. Like how I would also catch flies by their wings.
Me: John
Me: What are you?
Fast forward another two hours and a Star Trek rant, I’m pulling my delicious salad out of the fridge. I take it outside with a pair of pliers to pick the wasp out.
Me: Fly…
Me: Fly…
Me: Fly…
Me: There is no wasp in this salad.
Me: gulp
Me: THERE IS NO WASP IN THIS SALAD
Me: WHERE DID YOU GO, WASP
So I sealed it back up and put the takeout box back in the fridge. Another hour later, I look again. No wasp.
Me: Okay. Don’t panic. You’re a human. A reasonably intelligent human, most days. The wasp is obviously in the salad. We will solve this mystery by transferring the salad to a larger container. R2-D2 bowl, you’re up!
Me, after sifting through the salad again: THERE IS NO WASP IN THIS SALAD.
So I panic and I shove the salad back into the fridge and run upstairs.
An hour later, it’s time to look again.
Me: No. Oh, no no no. Oh… no no no no no.
In my haste, I left the refrigerator door cracked open a tiny bit.
The wasp is angry.
The wasp is loose.
The wasp seeks revenge.
So I haven’t eaten anything yet today, it’s 1pm, and I’m going to burn down my house to get this fucker. Possibly with myself inside. Bye, everyone!
EDIT: UNLESS I GO TO BATTLE
Get a fly swatter and go to battle.
BTW, the salad looked great. And – happy birthday.
this is a great idea for a picture, hang on