Blade

Last Thursday, I was getting ready for work when my roommate tells me that there’s a new kitten out front! I’m always excited to see a new street cat, so a couple minutes later when I left the house, I was happy to learn that he was friendly!

The first thing I noticed was that he had this little white boop on his back, right in between the scapula… and so I named him Blade. Right away he liked to watch my hands, and whenever they were moving slow enough, he’d go up and rest his head in my palm. He always wanted to be close.

He was super skinny. There was almost no meat on him, and so we left out plenty of food and water.

The next day, I get a text from my roommate. He overheard the neighbor say that he poured water on Blade to get him off the porch. Then, my roommate couldn’t find him.

I just about lost my shit.

I rushed home as fast as I could and found Blade sitting in a doorway a few doors down from me. After a little coaxing, I got him to come to me and I brought him inside. I put out a new litterbox, more food and water, and had him locked in my room so my roommate’s cat Beauregard wouldn’t torment him.

Whenever I would lie down, he would climb on my chest and lay there. Unfortunately for him, I’m a side-sleeper, so he usually sat on the edge of the bed.
From the moment we met, Blade was always fragile and lethargic. By the end of the weekend, after only one bowel movement and no urination, I started thinking something was wrong.

I woke up at 5:30 yesterday morning with Blade on my chest. And suddenly I got this weird feeling, like maybe he was really warm or- oh god, he just peed on me. I got real mad at first, but then I noticed his labored breathing and that he hadn’t eaten in almost a full day.
I started panicking. I posted to Reddit, I posted to Facebook, trying to figure out a solution that wouldn’t bankrupt me. I can’t afford to go into debt over a cat I just met four days ago.

After some searching, I encounter a kind vet tech at a clinic in the suburbs who offered to pay for Blade’s intake at the emergency room Penn Vet. I don’t trust her, but the alternative is handing him to animal control where he likely won’t get any care in time.

Ultimately, she talked me into it, so I go to Penn Vet and they take him into the back immediately. After some waiting, the vet comes to talk.

Blade is anemic. Blade is urinating uncontrollably. Blade is having trouble breathing.

Vet seems optimistic! Wants to start blood transfusions, and tests, and I ask how much money this is all gonna cost.

It’s gonna cost over a thousand dollars just to get started and figure out what’s wrong with him.

So I give my new friend a call. She agreed to pay for the intake, but all the rest? She talks to her vet. I talk to mine. After weighing our options, we agree:

The best thing for Blade is euthanasia.

There was a long wait between when I signed the form and when they took me back to see him. He was in an oxygen cage because of his breathing, and he was staying completely still.

He liked to follow my hands with his eyes, and when I slowed down enough, he would rest his head in my palm. And so, I held his head while the vet gave him the injection. The vet said I didn’t have to do that, but it’s what I would have wanted, so it’s what I gave him.

Everyone was very kind. Vet told me I did the right thing. The vet tech from the suburbs did what she said, so I didn’t have to worry about the money.

What was funny in a dark, fucked-up way was that I left the cat carrier behind. I had to go back into the hospital and get it because it wasn’t mine, I just borrowed it.

Loss is a funny thing. It does all kinds of weird shit to your brain. One minute it has you thinking that you’re not allowed to continue on, because something you love is gone forever. Then you swing back and realize that you barely even knew the cat and that your grief is ridiculous and that you should stop it.

Neither of those reflect the truth. I’ve lost friends before. I’ve lost family, I’ve lost lovers, I’ve lost cats! And it never gets any easier. Each time it’s a new and unique pain. For now, I choose to focus on the fact that I gave young Blade the best comfort I could in his final days. My intervention couldn’t save his life, but it could improve it.

I hardly knew you, but I’m gonna miss you buddy.