Me, at the pharmacy: Yeah, I have two prescriptions for pickup.
Pharmacist: I’m sorry, Mr. Kuh.. Kat… uhh… Mr. James, but you’re out of refills for pantoprazole*. And your insurance doesn’t cover ranitidine*.
Me: Dammit, ranitidine is being pulled off the shelves anyway* and I’m not sure I want to keep taking it.
Pharmacist: We can fax your doctor and see if they’ll do refills.
Me: Please do! In the meantime… I guess I have to go back to omeprazole*.
*Context! All of these drugs are what’s called proton pump inhibitors, or PPIs. They reduce the stomach’s ability to produce stomach acid, and are really handy for people with gastroesophageal reflux disease– GERD- like me! GERD, in my case, pretty much means I just have heartburn 24/7 unless I am on medication, even if I watch my diet carefully. It super sucks. All the men and most of the women in my family have it. I switched away from omeprazole (Prilosec) in 2016 because it has some potential nasty side effects. It’s starting to look like ranitidine, once considered the safest of all the PPIs, might also be problematic. BACK TO THE STORY!
Me, at Rite-Aid or CVS or whatever half an hour later: God dammit, I hate shopping for pills.
Pills on the shelf: But we love you!
Me: Shut up. Give me your generic omeprazole and get me the hell out of here.
Me, after paying: Wait
Me: w h a t
Me: Coated with…
Me: Omeprazole is tasteless! It has no taste! Who in the
Me: Wildberry mint?! What idiot thought of this combination?
Me: There are 42 tablets in there! That’s 3 weeks of this shit!
Pills: That’s right, asshole
Pills: You’re stuck with us and our candy coating.
Me: WHY
Pills: Because you didn’t read the shelf, dipshit.
Me: BUT YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO HAVE A COATING AND WHO WOULD EVER MIX BERRIES WITH MINT?
Pills: Take us. Your alternative is a slow, painful death. Like, it’ll take 30 years to kill you. And it’ll hurt.
Me, swallowing the pill: god dammit
Me: This is the most disgusting thing
HEY!
I’ve sure been quiet lately, and part of that is because I’m getting ready for New York Comic Con! I’m literally writing this before I leave the house to go get my bus. If you’re going to be there, hit me up! If you’re not, hit me up anyway because you’re lovely to talk to. matt@mattstalltales.com I love you!