Post-Birthday

My Body: Dude

Me, belching: what

My Body: You’ve barely left your bedroom today and it’s 8:00.

Me: I’m celebrating my birthday.

My Body: Your birthday was yesterday.

Me: Listen, some people celebrate for a whole month. This is conservative!

My Body: Jesus Christ

Me: I’m gonna ride high on that stand-up fame. Just you wait.

My Body: Literally no one laughed.

Me: JUST YOU WAIT.

My Body: Would you at least eat something, please?

Me: Ugggh, fine

My Body: And not just coffee and ice cream!

Me: Okay, how about a sandwich on perfectly-toasted bread, with a hint of rosemary and tajin, put back in the toaster just enough to get some sharp cheddar sort-of-melty, slice of deli ham in the middle, spinach instead of lettuce, all put together into a perfect sandwich.

My Body: perfect

Me: And on the side, chicken fries fried in way too much oil and drowned in ketchup

My Body: THIS IS WHY I HATE YOU