Author: Matt
Not a Pun
Very Old Patron: Why can you never hear when a psychologist goes to the restroom? Me, internally: hehe I know this Coworker: I…
Not the Bs!
Me, putting TV shows on the shelf: Popular song lyyyyrics Patron: Nooo! I just finished with the B section and now you’ve added…
They’re Not Customers!
Me: Hey! How’s it going? Coworker: Aww, you took my customer? Me: Customer? Where? I don’t see any customers. Coworker: Right in front…
This Is Starfleet
Jilly: You know the story of the interracial kiss in Star Trek? Me: Yeah, the FCC only allowed it because Kirk was under…
Snax
Me, hungrily: Hey Me: Hey Coworker Me: Ya got any snaxxxxx Coworker Who Literally Always Has Snaxxxxx: Yeah. For me. Me: But do…
Steven Universe
Me, introducing a friend to Steven Universe*: I promise from the very bitty bottom of my heart it’s good. Victim: This is really…
Fuck that cat.
#MattsTallTales Me: Yo, it was the weirdest thing. When I took my bike off the rack, the rear tire was flat. Friend: That…
It Looks Like Nebraska.
Cait: What is that on your arm? Is that a birth mark? Me: Yes Cait: Has that always been there? Did I just…
CAUTION: FRAGILE
So there I was, out on my block hanging out with my neighbors on Independence Day. At the nearby intersection, a car has…
Arden Theatre
Coworker: …It’s $30 a week. Nosy Me: What is? Coworker: My kid’s going to a special program with Arden Theatre Nosy Me: Niccccccccce…
Manners!
Entitled Patron comes up, hands me their card and, like, 15 books. Me: OOoooweee. That’s quite a reading list you got there. Entitled…
Technically True
Patron: Excuse me, do you guys have any pamphlets on the library system here? Me, handing them a pamphlet: Here you go. Patron:…
